Twilight

Original title: "Zwielicht"
Josef Karl Benedikt von Eichendorff (1788-1857)

Dusk prepares to spread its wings,
the trees rustle ominously,
clouds approach like heavy dreams -
what does this horror mean?

If you have a favorite roe,
don't let it graze alone;
hunters roam the forest, sounding their horns,
their voices straying time and again.

If you have a friend on earth,
do not trust him in this hour;
friendly might he seem in eye and mouth,
yet he plans for war in deceitful peace.

What today goes wearily down,
will lift itself tomorrow newly born.
Much goes astray at night -
beware - be alert and wide awake!


There,
dear friends...
Even though he is one of your friend..
just be careful that he might approach your lover
coz something unexpected could grow between them
and there's nothing you can do to stop it if their ship has been sailing...

... and like the poem said:
if you have a favorite roe, don't let it graze alone

if you have a lover, don't let him/her graze alone...


Quote of the day:
"... look at it this way: the hard part is over..."
- from the movie "My Super Ex- Girlfriend", 2006 -

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Quote of the day:
"... i am what i am. you don't have to like me."
- Naomi Campbell -

Well done, Ms Campbell!
Those are only common words, but it continues to echo inside my head.
Sometimes people are too afraid of being themselves...
too many considerations of right and wrong
too many thoughts of what kind of reactions they might get
or even
too scared to admit that they can live alone...
if it turned out that nobody wants them

Life is short, that's what people said,
but not short enought to know what to deal with in your next chapter of life.
still many stories to be uncovered,
still many options to be taken.
somehow, i believe, we will eventually meet somebody who likes our beliefs
and that somebody could be the greatest among them all

Benedictus qui venit in nomine Domini
Hosanna in excelsis....

It's been some time since I first began composing this set of songs, trying to combine indonesian music notations with europian style. It is a mass, a 'missa brevis', with 5 songs in it: Kyrie, Gloria, Sanctus, Benedictus and Agnus Dei.
Sekarang udah sampe Agnus Dei tapi Benedictusnya belum dibuat sama sekali. Udah nyoba beberapa kali tapi bingung masukin notasi Indonesianya gimana.
*garuk2 kepala*

Biasanya, di missa karangan most composers, Benedictus itu bagian yang paling indah dan paling melodius. Denger aja karyanya G.P. da Palestrina "Missa Brevis", "Missa Papae Marcelli", "Missa Sicut Lilium"... atau karyanya William Byrd "Mass for 4 voices".. or even 20th century masses like Poulenc's "Mass in G minor", Frank Martin's "Messe" atau anything deh... u name it.
Mungkin karena kata2nya yang artinya "Terpujilah yang datang atas nama Tuhan", atau mungkin karena susunan suku katanya favorable untuk dijadikan melodi yang oke... ga tau juga.
I wish I had those kinds of intelectual to put these words into music.
It turned out that composing music is one great activity that can connect me to my inner self more than i ever thought.

Yah kita liat aja nanti Benedictus gw jadinya kaya apa.
Mudah2an nggak mengecewakan.. ;)

Secangkir kopi nemenin gw yang baru bangun untuk memulai awal minggu yang baru.
Dapet sms dari murid, nanya hari ini jadi ngelesin apa nggak cause she thought ada latian buat acara lain.
Marlboro merah dan asep2nya di sebelah gw..
Everything seem so normal but this funny feeling inside me.

Aneh..
Dari sebelum tidur tadi malem (tadi subuh *sebelum diprotes sama orang2 yang udah tau jadwal tidur gw*), ada seorang subjek yang selalu nongol di benak gw.. no matter how hard i tried to let go.
Sampe akhirnya berkurang pas nonton 'catwoman' di indovision.
great movie, great Halle Berry act, great whip!
Film selesai, i directly went to bed and began closing my eyes.
guess what. Subjek itu muncul lagi..
then i thought, mungkin karena gw seharian pergi sama orang ini.
Okay.. i accepted that reason and started to loose consciousness (it's about 6 am.)

Entered this animated world called 'dreams'..
I saw the subject again, with a smile and a perfect nose shape on his face, looking anywhere but to my direction.
Everytime I woke up, it turned out gw cuma memeluk guling doang... which has no smile and face like him (ya iyalah... serem banget kalo pas bangun ternyata gulingnya punya muka dan lagi senyum... hiii)
terus gw tidur lagi.
bangun lagi...
tidur lagi...
selalu subjek itu yang nemenin gw.

akhirnya setelah baterenya full, gw bangun.. dan menganggap guling itu emang subjek yang ada pikiran gw..
ternyata bisa juga bermimpi tanpa tidur.
bad habbit!

Subjek ini, anehnya, bukan mantan gw tapi justru a very unexpected person... the butterfly i mentioned in my first post.
kenapa pikiran gw masih keukeuh untuk membiarkan dia mampir? Toh dia masih di dalem kepompong, still trying to make his wings stronger to face the next chapter of his life..
and the most important thing, di luar kepompongnya pun udah ada tulisan "I DONT NEED HELP! STAY AWAY!"

To make things worst, anehnya pikiran gw membuka box-box memori yang sebetulnya udah harus direcycle karena berhubungan dengan butterfly ini... termasuk satu box yang isinya message yahoo messanger dari dia dengan karakter mandarin:
來嘛 親一下....嗯 嘛
kurang lebih artinya: come here and kiss me a bit..
Got this message earlier this year right after i sent him a message to let him know that i miss him..

But finally I managed to get back to reality and remind myself by opening the box with the label 'rejections'..
then i remembered he already said no, even though i didnt ask..
Well he just wanted to clear something up, as he said before.
Then afterwards, everytime he made an appearance in my head, i directly give myself a no.
There...
I should give credits to myself of doing this, as i think that is the best way to deal with it.
One positive side i took from this story: I'm definitely getting over my ex... as i unexpectedly not thinking about the same guy that haunted me for such a long time..

As for this butterfly...
a word of thanks and a note of good luck for your efforts..

Quote of the day:
"to love is to place our happiness in the happiness of another"
got it from a wrapping of a chocolate bar

O lead me to some peaceful gloom
(from "Bonduca")
Henry Purcell

O lead me,
lead me to some peaceful gloom
where none but sighing lovers come
where the shrill trumpets never sound
but one eternal hush goes round

there let me soothe my pleasing pain
and never never think of war
what glory can a lover have
to conquer yet be still a slave?



If only there was such a place in this world to soothe the pain i'm dealing with at this very moment..
If only life had no stories called love..
no stories called war... and the mixture of both words...
*sigh*

Come away, death
by William Shakespeare


Come away, come away, Death
And in sad cypress let me be laid
Fly away, fly away, breath
I am slain by a fair cruel maid

My shroud of white stuck all with yew
O prepare it
My part of death no one so true did share it

Not a flower, not a flower sweet
on my black coffin let there be strown
Not a friend, not a friend greet
My poor corpse where my bones shall be thrown

A thousand, thousand sighs to save
Lay me o where sad true lover never find my grave
to weep there



Puisi ini sebenernya cuma exist sebagai 'cuplikan permainan' di karya besarnya shakespeare berjudul Twelfth Night, dimana seseorang yang punya kuasa lagi nyari2 hiburan dan datanglah seorang badut (dari sekian banyak entertainer2 lain) menyanyikan lagu dengan puisi ini. Sang punya kuasa akhirnya ngerasa dia udah mendapatkan hiburan yang sangat cocok dan tertawa terbahak2 karena menurut dia kata2nya sangat lucu.

But still,

tanpa ngeliat adegan itu, puisi ini sangat menyentuh... ada seorang subjek yang begitu ngerasa kehilangan karena ditinggalin sama pacarnya... dan dia meminta Dewa Kematian (Death) untuk menjemput dia karena dia udah ngga kuat lagi.

Gw pernah dapet kesempetan nyanyiin lagu solo karya Roger Quilter dgn judul dan puisi yang sama, bertepatan dgn saat gw ditinggalin sama mantan karena dia udah punya bule.. 2 taun yang lalu.

Mantan gw nonton resital itu... no one can really imagine how i sang those words at that time and how deep it meant for me as i started to hear the intro part on the piano and took the initial breath to sing the very first line. No one can really understand, not even mantan gw..

Yang bisa ngerasa cuma gw sendiri, seberat apa napas gw waktu menampilkan puisi itu di depan mantan gw..

"Lay me o where sad true lover never find my grave to weep there..."

GOSH!

Just another broken heart story.

Hari ini sama seperti hari2 biasa setelah gw ditinggal untuk orang lain 2 taun yang lalu.
Aneh banget. Gw emang aneh banget. Ngapain berlarut2 sampe kaya gini.
Ngapain tiap kali ditolak orang selalu malah nangisnya gara2 kejadian 2 taun lalu, bukan malah karena ditolak sama yang baru??
Kenapa gw harus suka sama orang yang tidak tepat... whatever that means.
pokoknya akhirnya ditolak. alasannya? karena dia bukan gay, katanya. karena dia nggak mau pacaran, kata yang lainnya. karena baru putus mungkin sama pacarnya, kata temen yang lainnya.
Apa ini semua jawaban dari perbuatan gw sendiri, yang nggak bisa menghargai apa yang udah dikasih ke gw setelah putus 2 taun yang lalu? which is a perfect relationship with a much younger boy? yang selalu ada buat gw, selalu perhatian, selalu sabar...
satu hal yang gw sesali dgn hubungan itu... why did i ever think of getting a new relationship right after i got dumped from a 6 year relationship? gw selalu meyakinkan diri gw sendiri dgn bilang: INI BUKAN PELARIAN, KOK! but why, makin lama perbedaan umur makin kerasa, dan malah gw lebih sering nangis gara2 mantan??

sekarang ada yang baru, yang menolak gw secara pelan2, ga secara langsung, karena dia baru putus sama pacarnya. ternyata setelah baca blognya dia disini, gw baru tau kalo dia diputusin karena mantannya jadian sama orang lain.. dan dia ga bisa nerima.
kok dejavu ya.
apa karena kita sama2 pisces?
well...
too many rejections in such a short time but still we need to be strong cause we are told that all these are a process of healing.
just like what he wrote on his blog: seekor kupu2 dibantu keluar dari kepompongnya, malah akhirnya jadi ga bisa terbang.
I've heard this before and it definitely makes sense.
but not for everybody, i assure you.
things like this are worst...
you'll never know whether you end up as beautiful as the butterfly when u finally get over him.
As for myself, udah 2 taun gw ditinggalin sama dia, tapi tetep aja gw malah ngerasa kaya kepompong yang udah ditinggalin sama kupu2nya... kosong... abandoned...
bukan malah kaya kupu2 yang udah bisa terbang dgn anggunnya.

but you're right not to accept my offerings...
love cannot be forced

my other friend, who found it favorable to get a 'replacement' right after the broke up, once said:
THE NEW ONE CAN HELP YOU HEAL.
i wrote this in capitals to mention that he told me this more than enough.
Well it just didnt work the same for me.
he helped me a lot, surely. but somehow it's not that simple at all!

as with this butterfly guy...
i called him on the phone yesterday evening and he agreed to meet up with me and he said he wants to clear something up.
what else could that be? a formal rejection?
i'm so fortunate that i found his blog before i took the chance on being rejected in person...
I dont need that at this moment...
like i said... too many rejections.
not your fault, butterfly... i appreciate all you've done and thought...
It's just me... trying to stand up again after a long fall over and over again..